Doug's Blog

Syrah

2010-10-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how wonderful the Anvil 2007 (Rattlesnake Hills) Syrah is. Our local distributor - "Trader Joe's" cannot keep it on the shelf!!! It's wonderful! Discovered it through a friend this summer when we went to visit them in Brownsville, OR.

Two of us took a sip from our glasses simultaneously, and both of us said, "WOW" at the same time. If you like red wine, this is the best I have tasted in years. I am afraid that eventually all of it will be sold, and there will be no more. Maybe I should buy a case and lay it away somewhere?

Wow, Seriously?

2010-10-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

It has been a LONG time since I've made an entry in my blog; I mean the last one was back in November of 2009 . . . almost one year ago.

Things have changed a LOT since then.

1) I made it through the first year of nursing school.
2) I met a wonderful woman, Paulette.
3) I had a GREAT summer off from nursing school.
4) I moved AGAIN. My landlord sold the duplex I lived in.
5) I started my second year of nursing school.

Details:

1) The first year of nursing school was very challenging for me, and for most of the students in my class, I would venture to say. We lost over 20 people throughout the course of the year for one reason or another. A few that I know are restarting this fall, others have gone on to do other things they're better suited for.

2) Paulette . . . well, what can I say? We graduated from the same high school together in Japan (The American School in Japan), and even had a modeling job together (from which I have a gigantic poster with both of us in it). We became reacquainted on Facebook, and met up at spring break, and have been dating ever since; which leads me to:

3) I had a great summer. Spent most of my summer in Tumwater, WA. at Paulette's. Sanded and finished her 800 sq. ft. redwood deck, trimmed her trees, fixed her water feature, cleaned out the garage and repaired a storage shelf, etc. etc. We enjoyed many good times together, ate well, drank well, and I lost about 30 lbs. in the process!

4) Near the end of the summer I found out my landlord had sold the duplex I was living in, and the new owners wanted my unit. So, I had to scramble and find a place, which it turns out is much nicer and better located. So it worked out for the best. It also turns out that being "twice removed" from my home of almost 16 years was a very good thing for me too. I now feel like a new person: in fact, I was thinking that on the way home from nursing clinical tonight.

5) Second year of nursing school is going great! I passed my first Post-Test with the best grade I've gotten since I started nursing school, and clinicals are going fantastic! I love my patients, being in the hospital, and this year we finally get to do the things that nurses do. It's great.

There are still challenges in my life, but the road ahead is filled with promise and excitement. Stay tuned because I think I'll resume blogging now . . . at least until next summer.

How Could I Have Known?

2009-11-09T21:27:00.000-08:00

I remember laying in the grass at Porter Park watching Jane play softball. She was the team pitcher, and we worked together on her pitches every year on our side yard. The black and white photo of her in this note was taken at one of the games at Porter Park.

I realized just this morning that as I watched some of the games held there, I was less than 200 meters from the duplex where I now live. It's interesting to me, and I sometimes wonder at how things in life change. I could not have known then that I would eventually be living only a short distance from where I was laying on the grass, my life changed.

A wise friend told me shortly after Jane passed away that there would be many "firsts." I don't remember them mentioning "seconds" or possibly even "thirds."

Thanks go out this morning to my friend Bob L. who pointed out the blazing sunrise, causing me to look out my back door and notice how things have changed.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears . . .

-Sunrise, Sunset (From Fiddler on the Roof)

Jane Pitching

Beautiful, blazing sunrise this morning.

The ball field (Porter Park) just outside my back door.

First Test

2009-10-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first post test of the term. I was really stressed-out all morning long before the test. We have a Post Test every other Friday at 1pm during the term.

I haven't been in school for 2 years, and I have to pass every test with at least a 75%, so there's no room for any poor performance (not that I'm inclined) but it's just stressful.

One of my classmates quizzed me before we went into the testing room, and I felt a bit better after that. We have exactly one hour to take the test and then the computer will boot you off. The first 4 or 5 questions were pretty easy, and I was confident that I had chosen the correct answers.

There were 30 computer questions, and about 10 written questions. I finished the computer part in about 25 minutes, checked my answers one more time, and then submitted. It came back with 28 correct answers and 2 wrong for a raw score of 93.3%! Woo Hoo!

I'm sure I did well on the written part too, so it looks like I'm off to a good start . . .

Back in Nursing School

2009-10-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

Two years ago in September, I began nursing school. If you were following my blog then, and my life since that time, you'll know the history of why I am starting all over again.

There are many similarities to that time, but many significant differences as well. Just to bring you up to speed:

This past May a couple contacted me and told me they had seen my house for sale and were interested in looking at it. I didn't know what they were talking about, since my house was not on the market. I asked them where they saw my house and they said, "zillow.com" Then I remembered having "listed" my house there over a year before. Zillow allows you to track the value of your home and watch the market trends.

The couple came over a few days later, and the next day they called and said they wanted to make an offer. Long story short, I accepted their offer, and closed escrow on the 29th of July. The sale of my home has allowed me to return to nursing school, so that's how I got here today.

Amy and I moved into a duplex rental on September 5th, and I spent the next few weeks unpacking, crying, and generally trying to get used to this new life. It was not easy to make the decision to return to school. All of the nurses I worked with at the Surgery Center continually told me that I needed to go back to nursing school. But I didn't see how I would be able to do so, until I sold my home.

So I am auditing the Fall Term because I successfully completed it two years ago. I need to pass all of the weekly exams, a skills challenge, and the final exam and then I will be admitted as a regular student in the Winter Term of 2010.

It's another 18 months of school (with the summer off) and if all goes according to plan (mine), I will graduate in 2011. It sounds like a long way off, but when I look back on the last 2 years, I wonder where the time went . . . well, not really. I know where the time went; but you know what I mean.

I will be journaling a little bit to keep everyone informed of my progress. Oh, and as always . . . I could use your prayers.

Road Trip to Canada - Day 7

2009-08-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

We dragged ourselves kicking and screaming from Jackson, WY. this morning, but not before having a hearty breakfast at "BUBBAS" again. Biscuits and gravy for me, cheese omelet for Amy. Got a couple of souvenir coffee mugs too.

Drove south on Highway 26 until we reached Highway 89. Turned right at Alpine Junction onto Highway 26 and headed toward Swan Valley. Last time through here I stopped at "Swan Valley Custom Choppers" and met Carol, the proprietor. Her husband builds made to order custom Harley choppers for about $35,000 each. I got to tour the shop last time is was there. I am now doing a website for their shop, and it will be up and running in a few weeks.

Drove through Idaho Falls, and on to Craters of the Moon. Stopped for a quick lunch and then hit the road again toward Mt. Home, ID. The skies were mostly sunny, with a few clouds here and there, and all of a sudden we encountered a downpour that lasted about 2 miles, and then back out into the sunshine. Very cool.

Amy came through again with the wild animal photo of the day. We were driving along between Idaho Falls and Craters of the Moon when she spotted a group of antelope and took the photo below. Way to go Amy! Good eye!

Bubba's Restaurant in Jackson, WY.

High school class dates carved in the mountain at Arco, ID.

Amy spotted these antelope

Grumpy Old Man rock formation near Swan Valley, ID.

Ski area near our cabin in Jackson

Inside our cabin

Outside our cabin

Road Trip to Canada - Day 6

2009-08-24T18:33:00.001-07:00

Left Bozeman at 8:00am yesterday and headed east toward Livingston, then south on Highway 89 toward the north entrance of Yellowstone.

Arrived in Yellowstone an hour or so later. We drove around a curve that ended up at the Yellowstone Lodge and there on the park lawn were about 25 elk grazing. They were within one road width away, and just munching on the grass and resting.

Of course, there is always one idiot in the bunch who thinks they're smarter than the park rangers . . . so this guy crosses the road to get a closer look. The park rangers (who were staged around the area) yelled at him to get back across the street, where they promptly lectured him on the dangers of approaching a female elk while the bull is close by.

Then we stopped at Mammoth Hot Springs. Amy and I walked up the 968 stairs (an estimation) to see the cauldron. I was underwhelmed this time (first time was 43 years ago when I was 11 or 12). The springs were quite dry, with only a couple of small pools still active. Still beautiful though.

Then on through the park where we eventually got stopped in traffic. It took us about 45 min. to travel 2 miles. We thought at first it was an animal siting, then perhaps an accident, or road construction. It turns out that we were following a small group of bison who decided the road was much faster to travel on than the meadows of Yellowstone. We finally caught up with the group of bison, and took a few photos. While traveling along in the car, Amy was reading the warning pamphlet regarding approaching the bison. She said, "Dad, I want to see somebody get gored by a buffalo." Oh, those kids . . .

We stopped at the Canyon lodge and Amy shopped (again) while I napped (again). Then we stopped at the lower Yellowstone falls and took some photos (beautiful). Finally headed south and decided to skip Old Faithful due to the onset of rain, and how late it was. Made it to Jackson, WY. at about 6:30pm and checked into our little cabin at the Elk Country Inn. It's a beautiful, cozy little place . . . the nicest one we've stayed at so far. Amy and I decided that next time we do this trip, we'll come directly to Jackson, and stay 4-5 days and venture out from our little cabin. Maybe do some rafting, a day trip to Yellowstone, Grand Tetons, etc.

It's drizzling rain now as I write this, and I'm sitting at the pic-a-nic table in front of our cabin. It's nice and relaxing, and I'm having a coffee . . . all is right with my world.

Entrance to park in Jackson, WY.

Amy took this photo, caught the bison in mid-bellow!

Amy at Lower Yellowstone Falls

Lower Yellowstone Falls

Mammoth Hot Springs

On the way to Yellowstone

No second warning required for us!

Elk grazing on the lawn in Yellowstone

Road Trip to Canada - Day 5

2009-08-23T07:16:00.001-07:00

Departed Kalispell, MT. at about 7:30am and headed south toward Flathead Lake. Amy and I stopped at a local restaurant south of Kalispell and had a hearty breakfast (biscuits and gravy, sausage, hash browns) and hit the road.

I have made it a point on my two road trips this summer, to avoid major highways as much as possible, and today was no exception. We took back roads all the way the Helena, MT. and on to Bozeman. The countryside is beautiful here! No wonder they call Montana "Big Sky Country." It's fabulous!

Met up with the route I took earlier this summer just south of White Sulfur Springs, MT. and from this point onward we will be tracing the same route home. Tomorrow we visit Yellowstone Park. I intend to spend more time there with Amy, see the geysers, and hot pools, and pet a bear and a bison if afforded the opportunity (NOT).

Kalispell sunrise

Big Sky and Big Cloud Country

The Never Ending Highway

Waving to some biker friends

Summit Lake

Descent into Helena

More Big Sky

Nice old sign

Road Trip to Canada - Day 4

2009-08-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

Back in the U.S, back in the U.S., back in the USSA! (hum to Beatles tune).

Left Calgary early this morning, with dark skies and threat of rain. Got about 40 miles south and the sun came out, warmed up, and very nice. Very pretty country south of Calgary on the way back to the US border.

Crossed the border at Piegan, MT. and headed to Glacier National Park (the American one). It was a gorgeous day all day. Not like the rain and wind that haunted me on my motorcycle trip 6 weeks ago.

Got to the West Entrance after crossing the summit, and stopped for a nap while Amy SHOPPED. Arrived in Kalispell, MT. about 6:30pm. Beautiful weather, beautiful country! God Bless America!

View from Glacier summit.

Mountain near top of Glacier.

Butterfly photo by Amy

East entrance to Glacier

Approaching Glacier park

U.S. Border

Amy ready to leave Calgary

Road Trip to Canada - Day 3

2009-08-21T06:42:00.001-07:00

Had a great day on Day 3, traveling through some of the most beautiful mountains I've ever seen (and I have seen some beautiful mountains!). Drove through Glacier Park in Canada (not to be confused with the one in Montana), and Banff.

Stopped in Banff (Amy's favorite place) and bought some souvenirs, took some photos, etc. Some key learnings about Canada:

1. Canadians are CRAZY drivers (sorry to all my Canadian friends).
2. You get what you pay for (dumpy motel room).
3. Canada is BEAUTIFUL!
4. Amy knows how to shop like a girl!
5. Gas is cheap, only $1.05 (oh WAIT, that's per litre) so, since it's a complicated conversion, let's just say that I have no clue how much I'm really paying.
6. It's fun to be able to drive 110 (KPH).

Heading to Kalispell, WY. today through the American Glacier Park. See you on the other side of the border later tonight!

Canadians appreciate Jimi Hendrix too.

Banff Springs Hotel

Lake Louise

Reminds me of the Matterhorn

Beautiful mountain range

Is this the town's statement about their dietary regimen?

I heard Canadians are liberal . . .

Amy likes the Maple Leaf on the McDonald's signs

Amy's morning posture

A couple of Canadian drivers we met

Road Trip to Canada - Day 2

2009-08-19T21:08:00.001-07:00

Left Yakima at 9:30am and headed north on 86 until we reached Ellensburg where we switched to Highway 97. Stayed on that the WHOLE day. Most of the drive was alongside a river, but it was still hot.

Once we crossed the border into Canada, it started to cool down a bit, probably because it was getting later in the day.

Arrived in Kelowna about 6:00pm and checked into the motel 8. It's very nice here, beautiful actually. Amy and I had a bite to eat and then back to the room. An early start tomorrow so we can spend some time stopping and viewing at Canada's Glacier Park, and Banff.

Lake on the way

Peachland, BC

Border crossing

Welcome to BC

Road Trip to Canada - Day 1

2009-08-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Left Albany at about 10:30 am and headed through Lebanon, Sweet Home, Sisters, Redmond, Madras, and north across the gorge to Yakima, WA. The weather was warm, the roads smooth, and traffic relatively sparse. Uneventful first day. See photos.

Amy is Thrilled!

The "SHOE TREE"

Somewhere north of Redmond

Three-Fingered Jack

Simulated Motorcycle Riding

Road Trip Day 1: Corvallis to Prineville, OR

2009-07-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

I loaded up the bike this morning, and left Corvallis around 12:15. Stopped and gassed up, then stopped by to see Dad and Elaine in Albany.

Hit the road and went to Sisters, gassed up again and then on to Prineville.Weather is hot (90+) but dry (what's that they say about a "dry heat?")

Anyway . . . gonna get a shower and a good nite's rest, then on to Enterprise, OR tomorrow. I think I'll leave in the early AM to try and avoid as much of the mid-day heat as possible.

TTFN

doug

One Year Ago Today

2009-04-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

One year ago this day, my wife Jane began hospice care here at home. In order to bring some personal closure to the events of the last year since she's been gone, I have decided to go back to my blog that I kept during the last 6 weeks of her life, and read my entries on a daily basis.

Some of you participated in reading my blog last year, and if you're not up for it again, that's OK. It's something that I feel I need to do. For those of you who did not follow my blog and want to, or for those of you who did, and want to again, here is a good starting point.

What's Up Lately?

2009-04-08T05:05:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

I just thought that I'd post this message, since I have not been updating my blog very often lately. I do most of my online sharing through the website Facebook these days. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you like Facebook, you must have an account.

It's easy to set up your own account, and it's lots of fun. If you have a Facebook account, click this link to access my homepage. If not, you can still click the link and access my homepage and become a Facebook member yourself.

It has been a little more than 10 months now since Jane has died. No significant milestones lately, although one is approaching. It was April 23rd when she went on hospice care last year. I think that I am going to revisit my postings from last year beginning on the 23rd of April, just as a form of remembrance and reminder.

It seems so long ago sometimes, and yet not long at all.

Brent's Birthday

2009-03-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today is my son Brent's birthday. My firstborn. Here he is as a first-grader:

I can hardly believe he turned 32 today! I called him this morning before I went to work, since he lives in Michigan (it's a 3 hour time difference). He was born when I was in the U.S. Navy; just a boy myself at the time.

Here he is last summer:

Happy Birthday Brent!

Another First - Another Change

2009-03-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

DJ has been talking with me about moving out on his own for several months now. Last week, he told me that he had applied for an apartment with a friend of his. Well I came home from work on Monday afternoon, and he was in the process of moving all his stuff out.

It turns out that he was moving in with another friend instead.

As I looked at his room almost empty, and meditated on our home with one less loved-one living here, I became very sad. For those of you who have already seen your children leave home, you'll know what I felt. Even those whose kids are still at home, you're probably looking forward to, and dreading that day. It's a paradox.

I want DJ to be independent, responsible, get on with his life as an adult . . . but for me it's another in a string of losses over the past several years. I know all the good reasons why this is necessary; children leaving their parents, but it's still hard.

If you have time, please take a moment and pray for DJ and the rest of us as we learn to live with another change.

Amy's Birthday

2009-02-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

Amy was born on the 29th of February ( a leap year baby ) so she doesn't have a real birthday this year, but we'll be celebrating it today and tomorrow. Amy likes to have a LOOONNNNG birthday!

She doesn't know it yet, but I am going to give her the car below for her birthday . . .

Sadly, it's going to be for her 100 and 17th birthday
( She's turning 17 ).

Another Milestone

2009-02-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Another anniversary or milestone for me since Jane passed away. You see, Valentine's Day (1986) was our very first real date. We went to a singles group ballroom dance with our church singles group.

Today, 23 years later, I visited Jane's grave site and place three red roses on her headstone. It was chilly and started to rain, then hail as I took these photos.

DJ's Birthday

2009-02-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

Several people told me after Jane died, that there would be a lot of "firsts". First Christmas, first New Years, first birthdays, etc.

Well, today is Daniel's 19th birthday, and [it] hit me again. My good friend, Mary Beth calls it "being ambushed." I started thinking about that day 19 years ago when DJ was born, and the letter I wrote to him right afterward. I started to get choked-up when I thought about that time so long ago. I have published the letter that I wrote to him below.

Jane really would have liked to see DJ with his own car, a job, and turning 19. Happy Birthday Daniel! I love you! !

(click on the image for a larger picture)

Jane's Birthday

2009-01-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Friends,

Today is Jane's birthday. She would be 54.

I pause this morning to remember her fondly, and to tell God how much she is missed. To quote a sonnet from the poet John Dunne:

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, death thou shalt die.

I Need You Jesus

2009-01-04T20:17:00.000-08:00

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

Rescue - Desperation Band

I Walked by There Today

2008-12-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

"You're late." said his wife. "The reason I'm late, is because I walked by there today." said Bob Cratchit. "Today?" replied his wife. "I couldn't keep away, it's so quiet and green."

I didn't walk by "there," I drove. While I was picking up a few things at the grocery store, I passed by the flower stand and saw some beautiful, pink carnations. Jane loved carnations, but they didn't have any purple ones, so I chose the pink.

I went home, unloaded the perishables, and grabbed the camera. When I arrived at the cemetery, I trimmed the stems on the carnations, and placed them into one of the holes drilled in the marble plaque that will one day hold my marker.

Jane and I had a few words, and I took this picture. "I couldn't keep away, it's so quiet and green."

On Fire

2008-12-27T13:28:00.000-08:00

I just bought the Switchfoot album "The Best Yet" and was listening to the song, "On Fire." I need these daily reminders that God is an all-consuming fire; that I'm on fire when He speaks. I invite you to listen to the song as you follow along with they lyrics.

On Fire - Switchfoot

"On Fire"

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

A Beautiful Gift

2008-12-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

We went to my sister's house for Christmas dinner today. My brother in law, Dave, is a real craftsman, and he made a music box for my daughter Amy.

Several years ago, Jane and I went to see the Phantom of the Opera in San Francisco. We fell in love with the opera, and had the album on CD. When Jane was on hospice care, Amy would play one of the songs over and over again. If you're familiar with the opera, it's the one that Christine sings to her deceased father. The song is called, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again."

Well my brother in law presented the heart-shaped, handmade music box to Amy, and when she opened the lid, it started playing "Music of the Night" from Phantom.

I broke into tears.

What a precious, special gift that was. Thank you Dave!

Music Of The Night - David Cook

Our Christmas Tree

2008-12-20T17:18:00.000-08:00

I went to the Boy Scout tree lot where we have purchased our Christmas trees for the last 16 years. As I walked through the lot, looking at the trees, my eyes began to well-up with tears. I thought that I might completely break down right there.

I found a somewhat misshapen tree; it just seemed to fit right now . . . I made it to the car and sat there for a few minutes, tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking of Jane, my kids, and me. How will Christmas be this year without her?

My good friends Duane and Melinda drove me there to pick it up, since I don't have a truck anymore. I thank my God for good friends.

Thank you to everyone who has sent words of encouragement these past few days. May your Christmas be filled with hope, joy, and peace as you celebrate the gift of life!

Song of Hope

2008-12-20T08:17:00.001-08:00

I am listening to a song that truly stirs my heart and soul. I want to share it with you.

Song Of Hope (Heaven Come Down) - Robbie Seay Band

Lyrics:

SONG OF HOPE
Words and Music by Chase Jenkins; Dan Hamilton; Robbie Seay; Ryan Owens; Taylor Johnson; Tedd Tjornhom © 2007 Sparrow Records

All things bright and beautiful You are.
All things wise and wonderful You are.
In my darkest night,
You brighten up the skies; a song will rise.

I will sing a song of hope,
sing along, God of heaven come down,
Heaven come down.

Just to know that You are near is enough,
God of heaven come down,
Heaven come down.

All things new;
I can start again.
Creator, God,
Calling me Your friend.
Sing praise, my soul,
To the Maker of the skies,
A song will rise.

I will sing a song of hope,
sing along, God of heaven come down,
Heaven come down.

Just to know that You are near is enough,
God of heaven come down,
Heaven come down.

Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing

Luminaria From Dee

2008-12-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hi friends:

A blogger friend, Dee, set up some luminaries at her home and dedicated one of them to Jane. Please take a look at Dee's Blog and help me to thank her for her kind thoughtfulness.

Thank You

2008-12-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

On my way to work this morning, I popped a CD into the car stereo and played the Led Zeppelin song, "Thank You." As I started about my daily routine, the words to the song kept creeping back into my mind, until I could not stay the tears any longer. I went and grabbed a washcloth, slipped into the restroom and cried for a full 5 minutes.

Thank You

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

Kind woman, I give you my all, Kind woman, nothing more.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,
Together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look . . . see.

And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness . . . . I'm glad.
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.
-Led Zeppelin (1969)

Amy and I went out for dinner tonight, and I told her about my day and how this song affected me. On the way home, we listened to it and both began to cry. Here is a tribute version of that song by Kimberley Bosso:

Thank You - Kimberly Bosso

Six Months Ago

2008-12-03T06:48:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends,

Yesterday marked the six-month anniversary of Jane's death. Most of the day I was OK, but by 3:00pm I started thinking about the "Service of Remembrance" that was held at the First Presbyterian Church here in Corvallis.

Every year, the Benton Hospice Service hosts a Service of Remembrance for those who have died during the past year. About 100 people gathered last night to honor and remember loved-ones who passed away.

12 members of the Benton Hospice Service read names from a list, one person for each month of the year. I was surprised at how many people had died; and how many people Benton Hospice Service has served. As I listened to the readings, I began to hear names of people that I knew, or knew of . . . Bruce Alexander . . . Dwight Vance . . . Mark Egan . . . and of course, Jane Easton.

As Jane's name was read, the tears streamed down my face. Elaine, my step mom, placed her hand upon mine and gave it a squeeze. It is also important to mention that a lifelong friend of Jane's drove all the way from Lake Stevens, Washington to attend the event. Afterward, she and I went to dinner and talked about Jane.

I work with a wonderful Doctor at the Corvallis Clinic Surgery Center, and he asked me if it would be OK for him to attend last night's service. I told him that I would be honored. After the service I turned around, and Dr. Chow was standing at the back of the auditorium. It was an honor and a blessing to have him stand by my side.

As many have told me, there will be important milestones in the grieving process, and yesterday was one of those. As the apostle Paul wrote:

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you," Phil. 1:3

How Am I Doing?

2008-11-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

My friends:

Everyone is so good to me; usually asking, "How are you doing?" And usually I say, "Pretty good." But I have to say that lately, I've been struggling a bit. It started 3 or 4 weeks ago, I think.

It seems that lately I've been thinking more about life with Jane before and after, in some different ways. When I think of life with Jane before, I think about the good times we had together with each other and with the kids and family. I get a lump in my throat when I think of those times, and miss them.

Other times, when I think of life after Jane I think of all the times that we'll never share, all the things she's missing . . . In my previous blog entry, you may have read that I went to the drag races in L.A. I saw some famous racers there that Jane knew (from my watching NHRA on TV). I was with my brother, Bob, but when I saw John Force I immediately thought, "Wait till Jane finds out who I saw here . . . oh, yeah, that's right . . . "

The first few months following Jane's death (when I think back on them) I must have been more numb than anything. The six-month anniversary of her passing is coming up on December 3rd, and it still seems hard to believe when I think about her being gone.

I'm not really lonely per se, but I do miss her terribly. This morning I read in the Gazette Times online that I guy I worked with at HP lost his wife (to cancer I think) last weekend. She was also 53 years old (like Jane). It made me very sad for him.

Life isn't the same without my Janey.

At the Drags

2008-11-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

Well, after we made it past the fires, we stopped at the Pomona Speedway and settled in for some top-notch drag racing. This was the final event of the 2008 NHRA Powerade Racing Series.

Side by Side Funny Car Burnout from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

Side by Side Top Fuel Burnout from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

California Wildfires

2008-11-18T18:18:00.001-08:00

I flew to Long Beach, California this past weekend to visit my brother Bob, and his family (and to see the NHRA Poweraide 2008 Finals in drag racing). On the way to the races on Saturday, we took the 57 freeway north to Pomona.

As we headed north, we drove right past this fire that was very close to the freeway. The road was closed shortly after we made it past.

Southern California Wildfire from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

Another video:

Southern California Wildfire #2 from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

And another:

Southern California Wildfire #3 from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

Happy (Belated) Halloween!

2008-11-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

This is a slightly delayed photograph of me and the nurses in our Halloween costumes taken on Halloween Day this year at the Corvallis Clinic Surgery Center.

From left to right: Mr. E - - - Miss Taken - - - Miss Demeanor - - - Miss Understood - - - Miss Directed - - - Miss Used

New Harley Commercial

2008-11-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

I saw this commercial on TV the other night, and really like it. You can judge for yourselves . . .

Ho Ho Ho

Take a Cha Cha Cha Chance

2008-11-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

It's my 54th birthday today, so here's a song many of you will appreciate and remember:

Birthday - The Beatles

Happy Birthday to ME!

New Car for DJ

2008-11-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well friends, Daniel (DJ) has been working for awhile at the Safeway gas station on Philomath Blvd., and was riding his bicycle to work everyday. It's about 5 miles, and so he wanted to get his driver's license back, and get a car.

Saturday, we both went to the DMV and I renewed my driver's license, and he took the knowledge test again (and passed) and got his license. We went looking at cars on Saturday afternoon, and found a very nice, used 1995 Pontiac Gran Prix, with only 71,000 miles on it.

I fronted DJ some of the money, and we bought the car for him. His insurance is quite expensive, but a good way for him to learn about what it takes to survive these days. I am a bit nervous, to say the least, having him drive on his own; but I've got to start letting go, and letting him grow up, huh?

I'm finally going to visit my brother Bob (and his wife Malaura and kids) in L.A. next week. The NHRA 2008 Finals (drag racing for those of you who aren't hip to that sport) are being held in Pomona, CA. on the weekend of November 13-16, 2008.

I can't wait! I haven't seen a drag race (live) in years, so I'm really stoked. I've been watching almost every weekend, and the racing is incredible these days.

Top fuel dragsters running the 1/8th mile in under 4 seconds at a top speed of over 300mph.

And, of course, the drag bikes! Waaayyyy coool. I'll post after the races next week, hopefully with some awesome burn-outs, and thundering races. Until then . . .

I've Been Tagged

2008-10-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been struggling with something to say on my blog. And as your mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Well, now I've got something to say. One of my blogger friends, Dee, tagged me. According to Dee (and Wikipedia),

"the term Internet meme is a neologism used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet."

Here's the rules for this tag:

Post the rules on your blog.
Write 7 random things about yourself.
Tag 7 people at the end of your post.
Pass on the tag.

So, here goes:

I like DOGS much more than I like CATS. (Sorry Dee)
I have 2 tattoos that I got while I was in the Navy.
There are only 3 people in my life who were allowed to refer to me as "Dougie" and all 3 of them are gone. (Grandma Mabel, Mom, and Jane)
I have even less hair than Dee. (Sorry again, Dee)
I hold a commercial helicopter pilot rating.
"One" is not necessarily the loneliest number.
Chimpanzees frighten me.

How is that for 7 random things? So, now I need to tag 7 people and pass the tag along, so . . . I tag:

Now, it is my guess that probably only one of the above mentioned bloggers will actually respond to the tag, but let's see . . .

It's About Time

2008-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

Well friends, several of you have wondered (out loud and by email) what's been happening with us lately, so here are some highlights:

I went for a motorcycle ride to the coast yesterday after work. I was thinking, "what can I do this afternoon?" and it was nice enough out, so I thought, "I'll go for a ride to the coast and have some sushi."

Sixteen years ago, when Jane and I were contemplating the move to Oregon, we jokingly said that we would only move to Corvallis if there was a sushi restaurant within 50 miles. Well, at the time there were no sushi restaurants in Corvallis. We drove over to the coast one day while doing a look-see trip and stumbled upon the Japanese restaurant at Seal Rock called "Yuzen."

We were pleasantly surprised by the high-quality food, so we decided maybe Corvallis wouldn't be too bad a place to live, despite the fact that the Yuzen restaurant was a little over 62 miles away. But I digress.

By the time I got to the coast yesterday, it was about 6:00pm and the sun was going down. It was already cold, and my hands were freezing despite wearing my winter riding gloves. I had on my leather jacket and overpants too, along with a fleece skull cap under my full-face helmet. So I ordered a hot bowl of Tempura Udon and a few pieces of sushi, and remembered the last time Jane and I ate there together. It was on a ride with our friend Ching. A much warmer day sometime last summer.

By the time I left Yuzen, it was dark and getting colder. I made it home half-frozen, but feeling great after a wonderful ride. Today, I purchased a fleece jacket with a hood to wear under my leathers, and I took it for a test ride this afternoon. It worked just great.

Stopped at the Harley dealer in Albany, and checked out a 110 cubic inch, blue soft tail with a springer. Needless to say, the price tag was about $29,000 (yes, that's Twenty-nine thousand) dollars. I could buy two and a half of my bikes for that price. Oh, the bike was real pretty, but out of my league. I suspect it doesn't run any better than mine does either.

I'm still working at the Corvallis Clinic Surgery Center, and enjoying it. I assisted in 45+ endoscopy procedures this past week, so it was busy there. I am still trying to decide if I will go back to nursing school in January or not. I could use your prayers about that.

The kids are doing well, Amy is in high school, DJ is working at Safeway pumping gas, and Matt has three (count them) three jobs. We all come and go alot here, so tonight we're going to have dinner out somewhere. So, I gotta run. I'll try to post more often.

A Beautiful Day for a Ride

2008-09-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends,

I went for a motorcycle ride yesterday (and the day before) after work. The weather is beautiful right now in Oregon, and I wanted to share with you a portion of that ride. Please note that the filming was done in a safe manner!

Born to Ride from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

Home

2008-09-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

I Love this song:

Home - Daughtry

I Miss You Right Now

2008-08-23T16:57:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, I'm a huge music junkie. I recently heard a song that I am really fond of that I'd like to share with you. The lyrics are very close to how I'm feeling lately:

5:19 - Matt Wertz

I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you
That I'm ok

When July came I thought I had it all together
Til' you said I need some space
Truth be told
It's so hard to wait

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19...
I'm feeling alone
And if I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go

We both know that I could think myself dizzy
Right now I'm spinning around
I know you said, "baby, don't worry"
But I miss you right now
I said I, miss you right now

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19...
I'm feeling alone
And if I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go

Baby, take all the time you need
I just want you to know
I'll be here, waiting

With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19...
I'm feeling alone
And if I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go

My Eyes Adored You

2008-08-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

How many of you remember the Frankie Valli song, "My Eyes Adored You?" Somehow the words and the tune came to me today. I was thinking about how it was just a little more than 2 months since Jane passed away. Then the words to the song came to mind:

All my life I will remember how warm and tender
We were way back then
Though I'm feeling sad regrets I know I won't ever forget
You, my childhood friend

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far

Yes, it seems so close since Jane was here, and yet so far away. At times I can't even remember her voice, so I'm going to look for a recording that I have of her singing, and:

reminisce about the girl I miss
And the love I left behind...

My Eyes Adored You - Frankie Valli

Memorial Video

2008-07-31T16:56:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends,

While I'm on the video kick, I thought I'd share the slide show that I made for Jane's memorial service.

Jane's Memorial Service Slide Show from Doug Easton on Vimeo.

Hope you enjoy!

Dancing Around the World

2008-07-31T05:04:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have already seen this video that has made its way around the internet, but I watched it again this morning, and was touched and delighted by it. I hope you will enjoy it too.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Kissed by Two Angels

2008-07-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

I went to an outdoor concert on Friday night at Jamocha Joe's in Adair, and saw several friends that I had not seen for awhile. As I began to walk through the group of people, one lady came up to me, gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I was very surprised! And not a little warmed by it. I told her, "you're the first woman besides Jane to kiss me in 23 years." We both laughed.

Moments later, another woman friend walked up to the two of us, hugged me, and kissed me on the same cheek! Wow, I really scored! I told her, "you're the second woman besides Jane to kiss me in 23 years, and the second tonight."

I want to say right now that both of those hugs and kisses were done out of friendship, and genuine concern for me. I forget these days how powerful human touch really is.

There are many people in our community who have lost loved ones, and are impoverished in the touch department. So when you see them, if you're a touchy-feely kind of person, give them a hug; and if you're extra touchy-feely, a friendly kiss on the cheek won't hurt either.

American Idol Tour Concert

2008-07-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

My sister Robin and brother in law Tim bought tickets for Amy and me to go with the to the "American Idol" tour show in Portland last Friday. It was a pretty good show, overall. The lighting was great, the band was fabulous, and the singers were even better than when they were on the show in competition.

Jane and I watched every week of this year's season, and she even saw the final show when David Cook was crowned the winner of American Idol. Jane was weak and tired, but she raised her hand, made a fist, and whispered in a weak voice, "YES!"

So I took my cell phone to the concert on Friday, and I have a photo of Jane as my screen saver. When David Cook performed, I turned on the phone and pointed her photo toward the stage and told Robin, "Look, Jane is watching David Cook from heaven." We both laughed.

After a few seconds, her picture faded to black (it's a screen saver that times out) so I pushed the button and it came back on. Then it faded again, so I pushed the button and it came back on. I was reminded of Tom Hanks in the movie "Castaway" when he would flick the penlight on and off, while looking at the photo of his fiancee.

So, here's a video of the cellphone version of "Castaway" starring Doug and Jane.

The New Job

2008-07-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard, but many of you may not have, that I took a new job at the Corvallis Clinic Surgery Center, and started this past Monday.

It was truly God that orchestrated the events that lead up to me being offered the position. A friend who is a nurse (Lisa) called me in March and told me about the open position. I applied for the job and waited until late April to hear back and get an interview.

Several more weeks passed, and I thought they were not interested in me. One week before Jane passed away, I received a phone call from the supervisor, offering me the job; I told her that Jane was still hanging on, and I did not know how long it would be before I could accept and start. So we agreed that I would call her back in one week. Well, one week was the day after Jane died.

So I called her and accepted the position, and we agreed upon a start date of July 7th (this past Monday). The surgery center is brand-new, and very nice. The nurses, doctors, and other staff are also great. It's good to be back at work again, doing something that I truly love. I don't know for sure what the immediate future (next 2 years) holds for me, but I trust that God has a plan, so I am resting in that.

Luminaria Ceremony

2008-07-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend of mine and his wife participated in a Luminaria ceremony, and purchased a memorial for Jane. I want to thank Eric and Lisa for their love and thoughtfulness.

Here is a photo of Jane's memorial Luminaria.

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

2008-07-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Those of you who attended Jane's memorial service in Corvallis, will remember the song that Amy requested be played. The song is from "Phantom of the Opera" and titled, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again."

This morning, I indulged myself and listened to that song again. Aside from the fact that the woman who sings this song has an incredibly beautiful voice, even before Jane passed away, it would bring me to tears.

I played the tune again, and allowed my emotions to run free. Here are the lyrics to the song:

You were once my one companion . . .
you were all that mattered . . .
You were once a friend and father,
then my world was shattered . . .

Wishing you were somehow here again . . .
wishing you were somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here . . .

Wishing I could hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I never would . . .
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could . . .

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .
Too many years fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past just die . . .?

Wishing you were somehow here again . . .
knowing we must say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive, teach me to live . . .
give me the strength to try . . .

No more memories, no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across the wasted years . . .
Help me say goodbye.
Help me say goodbye!

Thank you for letting me share this with you, my friends.

Goodbye to the Old, Hello to the New

2008-06-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

This past Friday and Saturday, I said goodbye to two very good friends.

I sold both my motorcycle and Jane's in just two days. On Wednesday, I posted them both on CraigsList, and by 6pm that night, I already had several calls of interest. I had to skip showing the bikes on Thursday, due to Jane's burial service, but I had 5 look-sees scheduled on Friday.

The first lookers at Jane's bike on Friday morning bought her bike. I was really pleased to sell her bike to them because I knew [it] was going to a good home. It turns out that the father of the girl who bought the bike is an associate editor at the Albany Democrat Herald newspaper. He writes an online blog, and graciously mentioned Jane in an article. (Scroll to "Off and Rolling")

On Friday afternoon, I met with the buyer of my bike, we went to his credit union, signed the papers, got my check and I rode him back to his home and said goodbye to the 1100 Shadow Sabre. Selling the bikes represented something of a loss again for me; but also a new beginning. Jane and I had so many great times riding together on those two bikes.

It felt like the timing was right, and I was ready to move on to that point. As a means of soothing the pain of parting with those two memories, I decided to create some new [ones]. Fred's Honda shop here in town had a new, 2006 model year 1800 VTX-R. With the huge discount on the older model VTX, and the money I got for the two bikes, it was a no-brainer. (I know, many of you think I have no brains just for riding a motorcycle in the first place).

Anyway, I'd like you to meet my new-found buddy:

Laid to Rest

2008-06-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today, we buried Jane's urn with her ashes at the Oaklawn Memorial Park, in Corvallis.

I spent a fair amount of time preparing for Jane's memorial service a couple of weeks ago, but being the occasional procrastinator that I am, I did not plan much in the way of the burial service. So this morning, about 4 hours before we were to conduct the service, I started thinking, "Shouldn't somebody say something?" What about this, and that?

So, I picked up the phone and called a friend who recently lost her husband to ask her what they did at his burial service. I got her answering machine at both her home and cell phone. I broke down and cried; heavily. So I called Pastor Shawn at church, and asked him if he would do the service at the last minute, and he graciously said, "yes, I'd be honored." He asked me some questions, and all I could get out was a sob or a cracked-voice, "OK".

By the time my family arrived at my home to accompany me to the cemetery, I had regained some composure, and was starting to take the lead on some things. When we arrived, there was a blue-top canopy setup over the grave site, and a few chairs for me and the kids. We quickly talked through the order of service, and then began.

The words that were spoken by Pastor Shawn were traditional burial service text, but they were comforting and wonderful. After a few brief words, Shawn opened up a time for comments, and nobody could speak. So, next it was my turn to take the urn with Jane's ashes, and begin to pass it from one person to the next. My dad held it first, and then passed it to Elaine. Elaine held it for a moment and then said, "Jane, you loved to fish . . ." and then she couldn't get the rest out. She passed it to Pam, and Pam sobbed, "I miss you so much" We were all in tears by then.

From Pam to Robin, who prayed silently, and Tim who did the same. Each person, in their turn had an opportunity to hold the last earthly remains of my beloved wife. I then received the urn from my daughter, Amy, and passed it to Shawn while I knelt next to the grave. Shawn passed me the urn one more time, and I gently laid it in the bottom of the grave.

At that point, our good friend, Logan, played "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes, while people placed items into the grave with the urn. It was all very moving and beautiful. Upon completion of that, we each took turns placing shovels of dirt into the grave.

The day was beautiful; one that Jane would surely have appreciated. I am thankful that we had the chance to participate as a family in one more important ritual, and bring another step in this process to closure. Thank you to all who were there in presence, and in spirit.

True Words

2008-06-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

"The rest of those who have gone before us cannot steady the unrest of those to follow."

-William Forrester

I Fall to Pieces

2008-06-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well friends, I have had a few "good" days this past week, but today is not so [good].

I started to clean out and rearrange my office the other day, and I have a huge mess in the addition room. So I started to go through some of Jane's stuff; her closet, dresser, jewelry case, etc. Everything I look at, everything I touch of hers, causes me to "fall to pieces." I will find one thing, decide it can go, and then I either toss it, or put it in the "memories" box for now. At this rate, it will take me forever to get things sorted out.

Everyone says to take it slow, and I'm certainly doing that.

I looked up the words to the Patsy Cline song, "I Fall to Pieces" and it certainly resonates with me today.

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend

You want me to act like we've never kissed
You want me to forget, pretend we've never met
And I've tried and I've tried but I haven't yet
You walk by, and I fall to pieces

I fall to pieces
Each time someone speaks your name
I fall to pieces
Time only adds to the flame

You tell me to find someone else to love
Someone who'll love me, too, the way you used to do
But each time I go out with someone new
You walk by and I fall to pieces

Slight Change in Plans

2008-06-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

The day for Jane's burial service has changed.

We are planning to have a burial service at the Oaklawn Cemetery in Corvallis on Thursday, June 26th at 1:00pm. Anyone who is interested in participating may join us at that time.

I don't anticipate changing it again, but please be sure to check back here at Doug's Blog, just in case something changes between now and then.

Objects in the Mirror

2008-06-18T20:10:00.001-07:00

I went for a motorcycle ride this afternoon with my (and Jane's) buddy Melinda. It's the first ride I've taken since Jane passed away a little over 2 weeks ago.

If you have read all (or most) of my blog, you may recall a post in which I told Jane, "I don't know what I'll do when you're not in my mirror." Well, today I experienced that feeling. You know how many late-model autos have inscriptions in the passenger's side mirror? Something like, "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear." Well, here's my version of a photo I took of my Jane riding behind me a year or so back.

By the way, I have neglected to THANK everyone who thoroughly cleaned our home and did the yard work while we were away in San Jose last week. So, THANK YOU! I took some photos, at Terry's request, just so she could see what our home looks like when it's actually uncluttered and clean. This is what we walked in the front door to see:

And the back yard, mowed, trimmed, and sidewalk EDGED! Fantastic ! ! !

Home Again - Corvallis

2008-06-17T19:02:00.001-07:00

We've been home a couple of days now; back from California. We held a second memorial service for Jane's family at the Holy Family Catholic Church in San Jose. It was a very nice service, arranged by Jane's nephew, Jeff. He led worship with a team of men, Jane's sisters read some scriptures from the Gospels, said a few words, and we watched the memorial slide video that I made. Not a dry eye in the house (including mine again).

We arrived home on Sunday afternoon (Father's Day), unloaded the van, and started watching a movie. Sometime during the movie, Matt and I heard something hitting the bay window in our addition room. We got up to investigate, and observed a Blue Jay jumping up from the ground and hitting the window . . . over, and over, and over again.

How weird! Not to read anything supernatural into this, but that has never happened before at our home. For the last two days, this same Blue Jay has been attacking our window; not a clue why, either.

So today, Pam was over and he went at it again. She couldn't believe it either. So, I came up with an idea to put an end to it, before he put an end to himself. I went to the bedroom, grabbed one of Jane's soft-stuffed cat dolls, and put it on top of the window fan in the bay window.

Problem solved!

Home Again

2008-06-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

We arrived at Jane's dad's house this afternoon. I was anticipating this with no small amount of anxiety. But first, a short story . . .

My family on my dad's side lives in Wisconsin (mostly) and Minnesota. My grandparents (dad's folks) lived in the same home for the first 40+ years of my life (all my life). I took Jane back there for a visit about 15 years ago when Amy was just an infant.

I remember driving to their town of Footville, Wisconsin (pop: 605), through the country back roads from Janesville (coincidence, eh?). Anyway, as we approached their home, coming down that same old familiar street that had not changed in 40+ years, tears began to run down my face.

(photo is not really their home)

You see, as a kid growing up, my immediate family moved about every 3-4 years, cause dad worked for IBM (aka: I've Been Moved). So my grandparent's house, and my cousin's farm in northern Wisconsin are two places that have never changed. Places that I can still return to, and feel as if I were a little boy again.

Well, today that same feeling came over me when we pulled up in front of Jane's dad's home. In the 22+ years that Jane and I have been together, her dad's home has been the one constant in our lives, in terms of an earthly home.

So, as I pulled up and parked under the Sweet Gum tree, and walked into "grandpa's" home; and saw him sitting in his same-old chair, tears rolled down my cheeks again. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was that I did not bring Jane back to him this time. I felt as if I had failed; not taken good enough care of her to bring her back to him. I know that it's not true; but that's how I felt.

We sat and just looked at each other for a few moments, "That's too bad about Jane" he said. "Yeah, it is." I replied.

Hey, Guess Who Was . . . Oh, Never Mind

2008-06-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much to everyone who attended Jane's memorial service today (either in the body or spirit). I know that many of you were unable to attend, and that's OK. I know your thoughts and prayers were with us.

Me and the kids went to dinner with the rest of the family later this afternoon, and while I was driving home, I though, wait till I get home and say to Jane, "guess who was there today?"

What a strange feeling that was. We shared everything with one another, and I would so much like to tell her about all the faces that I saw; many of which I have not seen for so long. I hope somehow she was able to see how wonderful the celebration was.

We are going to California tomorrow to celebrate Jane's life with her family on Thursday. I probably will not be blogging for a few days, so for those faithful readers out there, you can take a few days off. I will fill you in on how our trip to California was when we return.

Thank you all for the many wonderful cards, letters, and contributions. We count ourselves extremely fortunate to be part of such a loving family of friends and neighbors.

It is my prayer that each of you will have found a measure of healing and closure today; I know that we did. Jane is not the type of person anyone would ever get over, so let's all make a pact to NOT get over her, but to remember her fondly in all things.

Thanks again, my loving family.

Rough Seas

2008-06-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

Isn't this supposed to be getting better? I feel like a ship being tossed about on a mad sea, no land in sight, not even the horizon of the sea itself. Nothing but wave after wave of turbulent, foaming, crashing, power.

The last couple of days have been the most difficult yet. Conversations with those who have taken the journey ahead of me have helped tremendously, but this is a journey that each of us must ultimately go through on our own. I don't mean that friends don't help, they do, and at times I feel that the Lord is near, and shares my pain; sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I feel as though I want to crawl into my bed, curl up and sleep forever. But my practical side usually wins, and I get up, get doing the things I need to do, and put one foot in front of the other. To steal a line from the movie "The Gladiator", Russell Crowe's armor-bearer said, "Some of the time I do what I want to do, the rest of the time I do what I have to."

Fuzzy Pink Socks

2008-06-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

My sister and brother in law took me out to the movies last night. I had been wanting to see "IRONMAN" for awhile now, and I was not disappointed. I guess it's the job of family and friends to help distract me for awhile; get me out of the house and thinking on other things.

It worked for awhile. But when I got home late last night, I took some clothes out of the washer, put them in the dryer, and loaded the washer again. Pajamas, t-shirts, some towels . . . a pair of fuzzy pink socks. The ones that Jane wore her last couple of days here. They're nice and fuzzy, which helped to keep her increasingly cold feet stay warm.

I picked up those socks and held them to my chest for a little while. I probably won't have the need to wash them and fold them again. I got my pajamas on, and went to bed; and I laid there thinking, "she's really gone," and "I want her back, Lord." Not to be.

When I awoke this morning, a similar feeling was there. I don't have to tip-toe around the house when I get up early anymore (nobody to wake but the kids, and they sleep through anything). So I made some coffee, sat down to read the online newspaper, and re-read Jane's obituary again.

I often wondered why the paper left the obituaries running for so long (online at least). I think maybe it's partly for the left-behinds as a reminder that their loved-ones are not on vacation, or visiting mother, or friends; but really, truly gone. Nothing like seeing the name in print to cinch it.

I have a few errands to run today, and a couple of visits with folks, so I'll stay occupied, and have my mind off Jane most of the time. But I am afraid that one day will come when I don't think about her, or cry at least once that day, and I'm afraid of that. I suppose it's only natural.

Look Up (Now)

2008-06-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, just hours after Jane had passed, my family gathered to grieve together. After the mortuary came and took her body away, we decided to go have something to eat.

My daughter Amy ordered a Jones Cream soda, and as we were sitting there talking, her eyes widened, and she said, "Dad, you won't believe this."

She handed me the bottle cap, and on the inside of the cap were inscribed the words, "Look up (Now)."

Sometimes it's the little things in life that make you pause and appreciate the moment. We all looked up for a moment, and remembered.

Providing Help

2008-06-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

Many of you have sent us emails, cards, letters, and called asking if there is anything you can do to help. You have all helped so much already, and we will continue to need help from time to time.

I thank each and every one of you for the outpouring of God's grace through you to the Easton family in this most trying time. It is very difficult for me to answer your offers of help, so if you are so inclined, please contact the Northwest Hills Community Church, and they will place your name on a volunteers / helpers list. (541-758-7688). When we have a specific need, I will contact the lead volunteer, and you may receive a call for assistance.

We could not have done this without your collective effort, your prayers, and your kind and loving words of encouragement.

I was hoping (I don't know why) that I would be well on the path to recovery and adjustment by now; after all, it's been two days. But I find myself being slammed at unexpected times and unanticipated ways throughout the day. As Bill Cosby said in one of his stand-up routines, "The pain was exquisite." And it is.

Thank you again my brothers and sisters; friends.

Memorial Service

2008-06-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

The Easton family wishes to extend an invitation to a Celebration of Life Memorial at 1 p.m. on Monday, June 9, 2008, at the Northwest Hills Community Church, 3300 NW Walnut Blvd., Corvallis, OR.

Arrangements are by McHenry Funeral Home, Corvallis, OR. The family requests that, in lieu of flowers, expressions of sympathy and support take the form of contributions to the Jane Easton Memorial Fund which can be brought to the memorial service, or sent to the OSU Federal Credit Union, 1980 NW 9th Street, Corvallis, OR.

Goodbye Dear Friend

2008-06-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

At 12:55pm today, Jane passed away.

Her sister Terry and I were at her side as she drew her last, shallow breaths, and left our presence for the Presence.

Words Cannot Express

2008-06-02T21:21:00.001-07:00

There are no words tonight. None. Just gripping, smothering, suffocating, heart-wrenching sorrow.

The end is near, I feel it. Maybe only a day or three and the most. Waiting for something to happen that cannot stop, wondering how I'll survive. How will I make it? How will we make it?

Time will tell.

How Do I Pray?

2008-06-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

I was asked recently by a dear friend, "How do you pray for Jane?"

I am at a loss for words when it comes to prayer these days. Mostly I just pray for peace; for Jane, for me, for our household (family). I was praying as I was lying awake this morning, wondering if God was leaving her here until we fully released her. But then it came to me, and I said, "God, you have loaned Jane to us, and you will take her back in your own good timing, regardless of how tightly we might hold onto her. So I acknowledge that, and again release her to Your care."

It is baffling to the hospice nurses and me regarding how she has survived so long on so little (no food and very little water). If you know much about Jane, you will know that she is slow and deliberate about everything.

It took me 1-1/2 years to get her to walk down the aisle with me. I knew she was the one in the first 3 months, but she needed time, and a demonstration of faithfulness, character, and commitment before she was willing to give herself to me. I could tell you of many other decisions, both large and small, that I learned to wait patiently on Jane to help me make.

I think maybe this is again one of those times. She has a strong heart (physical) and a strong constitution (Spiritual), and she's not going to go easily, even if God is beckoning her. I believe that God has demonstrated through me His patience with Jane. He taught me how to love her slowly, easily, and as best I was able, unconditionally.

He is not going to rush Jane into anything, and I know when the time comes, she will run to His arms willingly, happily, completely.

(Drawing courtesy of a young neighborhood girl)

Melt Down

2008-05-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

Each of us, in turn, melted down a little today. We've been going at this for awhile, and it seems to have caught up with us. One by one, we each experienced a few moments of great sorrow.

It is so wonderful to have a family. Even when family is not physically present, there is great comfort.

Each of you that have been praying for us, helping meet physical needs, and reading these blogs, is a part of our family, and have provided a measure of comfort to us. And for that, we are truly thankful. Tonight however, one person deserves special mention.

When Jane and I were first dating, her sister Terry called one day sobbing to tell us that her husband had just died. I barely knew her at the time; but Jane and I spent the whole day with her, helping to get things situated. The next week we helped her make funeral arrangements, and I was given the honor and privilege to present the eulogy at her husband's memorial service.

That was 22 years ago. And now, Terry is here with us, spending whole days, taking time away from her family and work to help me take care of Jane. During my "meltdown" today I asked her, "How long did it take you to get over Pat?" She replied, "A long time, but to this day I still cry from time to time." Being able to talk with her about it was good.

So, I want to declare publicly my heartfelt thanks for Jane's sister, and all that she is. Thank you Terry.

I Thought I Was Prepared

2008-05-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have always tried to "pre-grieve" by imagining what it would be like if say, my mom died, or my dad, or Jane. I used to think in so doing, that I was well-prepared in case those things would ever happen during my lifetime.

I do believe that "pre-grieving" helps, but there's no substitute for the real thing. As I sit here today, making a slide show for Jane's eventual memorial service, I fully realize that I am not, nor will I ever be, completely prepared for this.

Jane has been mostly unable to communicate anymore. She will say "water" and gesture as if she's holding a glass up to her mouth, but it is very difficult to correspond with her. She was quite restless early this morning, and had her bout with nausea earlier than normal. Afterward, she is usually spent for several hours.

As I write, she is resting quietly again. I am keeping my eyes open for telltale signs of the end, but for the most part, they have not appeared yet. By "the end", I mean days or hours. So I pass yet another day with my bride of 21 years still in our home with me. It may sound selfish, but if she would only stay with us, I would have her even this way.

I found it hard to understand a few years ago, why the parents of Terri Schiavo would want to keep her alive in her vegetative condition. Now, I know why. It's probably just selfish on our parts, but I do understand. It is very difficult to let go; and even though I told Jane a couple of weeks ago that I had released her, I guess I still have not.

Am I Bugging You?

2008-05-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

Jane was fairly wakeful today, and was able to communicate a few things; mostly "water." She is always thirsty, and tries to "con" anyone who comes into her room, into giving her a drink of water. We are not withholding water from her, but we must be careful about the amount she receives at any one time.

Her sister and I were sitting with her today, and I asked her a couple of questions. She wrinkled her brow, and I asked, "Am I bugging you?" She nodded, "Yes."

"Do you want me to leave now?" She nodded "Yes." We both laughed so hard.

I was not laughing earlier today. As I watch her grow weaker, and quieter, it really hurts.

Most of the time, I just don't "go there" but when I do, I get that gripping my throat feeling, and the boot standing on my chest.

Many of you ask me how I'm doing, and I usually respond with, "not too bad." But that's a half-truth. I'm doing OK half the time, and not OK the other half.

Your words of encouragement and prayers keep me going. Thank you for that.

"OK, I know I'm bugging you, so I'm going now."

Imagine My Surprise

2008-05-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

My alarm went off at 4am again this morning; time for Jane's medication, and to check in on her. I got her all situated, and comfortable, and went to use the restroom myself.

I was in the bathroom for no more than 2 minutes, and was going back to bed. When I passed by her bedroom door, Jane was sitting upright on the side of her bed! It really surprised me!

I asked her, "where are you going?" and she said, "I don't know."

I said, "Let's lay back down again" and she said, "Ok." I got her back to bed, and brought my pillows into her room and remained there for the rest of the night. Every time she stirred, I looked up to see if she was trying to crawl out of bed again.

We both finally went to sleep about 5:30 or 6:00am, and slept until 8:00. The rest of today was pretty good, even though Jane slept most of the time. Still no pain to speak of, and she retains her (somewhat dry) sense of humor.

Today when I was giving her medication, she asked me, "Am I sick?" and I choked a "Yes."

"Do I have cancer?" I said, "Yes honey, you do." "Oh" she said, and went back to sleep.

I guess she's not really sure anymore what is real and what is part of her dream world. This evening she wanted to know if she had eaten yet. She is resting comfortably now, and is living an example that I hope I can follow someday. To be at peace in the midst of illness.

I love her so . . .

This Can't Be Happening

2008-05-27T23:04:00.000-07:00

I went to our bathroom tonight, and looked at myself in the mirror. "This can't be happening; it can't be real," I thought. But the telltale lines around my eyes, and the darkening circles from intermittent sleep patterns told me otherwise.

It must be getting old for some of you to be reading the same thing over and over again. One day Jane is up, the next she is down. I sometimes feel like the little boy who cried "wolf." We watched a movie tonight while Jane slept. She needs to be turned every 2 hours or so, to prevent bed sores because she's not moving much on her own anymore.

It is so difficult to see her like this. I ache inside; I cannot describe how this feels. We turned her on her other side a few minutes ago, and she barely stirred. Many of her responses to us now are instinctual.

When we put a straw to her lips, she purses them, and tries to suck on it like a little child. When I touch her hand, she grasps mine with a strength that is surprising, and sometimes she won't let go; as if she's holding on for dear life (maybe she is).

I am so sorry this post is so dismal tonight; it's dark, lonely, and fearful. I am praying for the break of day, another morning when "all things are new." Please Lord, help me make it through this night.

Kiss My Hot Lips

2008-05-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

After a bout with nausea this morning, I kissed Jane on the forehead. She looked up at me and said, "Your lips are hot."

"That's why they call me hot lips" was my reply. She inclined her face toward me in that "come hither" manner, and I kissed her on the lips.

"I'll bet nobody else has ever kissed you on the lips right after throwing up." "Nope" she said, and smiled.

Jane is a little more wakeful today, however she is growing more disoriented. She knows where she is, but sometimes she thinks that one of her sisters who is still in San Jose, is here at the house.

This is yet another sign of the end-process; and one that can be more difficult. Some of you know what I mean by personal experience. Parents, siblings, or friends that suffer from dementia, Alzheimer's etc.

Terry, and the kids and I would like to ask you to pray for us to have strength during this time. It is difficult to see Jane like this, and we want to be able to communicate clearly with her; but at some point it won't be possible anymore. Thank you for your prayers.

Hold on to the Nights

2008-05-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those rare occasions when I don't have much to say, except that I am afraid.

This day arrived with sights, and sounds that are uncomfortably familiar to me; indicators of the inevitable. The slow, labored breathing; limp, motionless body; waxen skin; hollow, sunken eyes. Signs that betray our mortality. I fear these signs: not for my beloved wife, but for myself.

Jane will soon be taken from me, and I am afraid of that. It's a strange paradox to be a Christian, and yet fearful of death. But this world, and this life, is all I know. So tonight, once again, I place my hope and trust in God my Savior, and from this I derive my comfort.

My sister Pam sent me the lyrics to a song tonight that I would like to share with you. It's from a song titled, "Hold on to the Nights" by Richard Marx.

Just when I believed I couldn't ever want for more,
This ever changing world pushes me through another door.
I saw you smile and my mind could not erase the beauty of your face,
Just for a while won't you let me shelter you?

I continue to have the privilege, honor and joy, to shelter my love. One more quotation that I think is quite appropriate in my case:

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him” -Source Unknown

Have a good night, everyone.

Feeling Thin, Sort of Stretched . . .

2008-05-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

. . . like butter that has been scraped over too much bread." --Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring.

That is how I would describe Jane the past couple of days. Especially today. She awoke in a great deal of pain, and was reluctant to have me help treat it as prescribed by the doctor and hospice nurses. We had a quick surprise visit today from Dr. Judith Csanky, and she encouraged Jane to keep up on her pain control.

Jane was feeling quite low before the visit, and was telling me that she has had enough; enough pain, enough lingering, enough of people watching her and taking care of her. As you might tell, she was pretty distraught. After Dr. Csanky's visit, we were able to get her pain under control, and back comfortable again.

We also ordered a hospital bed from the Hospice, which arrived and was setup this afternoon. Jane is resting comfortably in it now; it will be much easier to care for her when her condition gets to the point where she is unable to move herself.

The days are growing more difficult now, watching and waiting. I just ache inside for her; I don't want her to go, but I don't want her to suffer. She asked, "Are you keeping me alive for yourselves?" I told her that we have released her, that she can go when she is ready, and not to wait for any of us. She nodded the affirmative. She does not know when it will be, but feels it will be fairly soon.

Jane has fought a long, hard, courageous battle; especially in the past 5 weeks, and she is ready to surrender, and go home. It's now in the Lord's hand. Please pray for peace, and comfort for her over these next few days.

Prepare the way,
Prepare the way,
Prepare the way,
for the coming of the Lord.

The Hand Pile Game

2008-05-23T22:25:00.001-07:00

Tonight as I was helping Jane get ready for sleep, I placed my hand on top of her right hand. It felt so terribly cold. She said, "Your hand is warm," and took her left hand and placed it on top of my hand, so I placed my other hand on top of hers, making a hand pile.

After a few seconds, Jane pulled her bottom hand out of the pile, and placed it on top of my top hand. I pulled my bottom hand out from the pile and placed it on top of her hand; this quickly developed into a brisk game of "who can keep their hand on top of the pile." I eventually had to concede, since Jane always wins.

Today was our 21st wedding anniversary, and probably the most difficult day that I have spent during the past 17 months.

I picked up a cake that I ordered, and when the girl read the writing on the icing out loud; "Happy 21st Anniversary" she said, "Oh, how nice." I got all choked up at the realization that this will be our final one together.

Later, I went out and bought Jane some knee high stockings because her feet and lower legs are so cold all the time now, even with blankets on them.

A quick story: about 10 years ago, Jane was car pooling with another mom who had three kids going to Zion Lutheran School where our kids went at the time.

One of the kids didn't like to be told to "wear his seatbelt" and other routine disciplinary things; so he began calling Jane "the carpool witch." So today I bought her a pair of stockings today that resemble the ones that the wicked witch wore when she got crushed by Dorothy's house.

Jane really likes them - and You're Little Dog Toto Too!

Celebrating Life

2008-05-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today was Jane's sister's birthday. We had a small, brief family get-together at our home to celebrate. Baby back ribs from Safeway, potato salad, chocolate cheese cake, and carrot cake.

I picked out a very nice little statue from the Hallmark store titled, "Two Alike."

It reminded me so much of Terry and Jane together, and how similar they are in so many ways. I hope it will always be a cherished keepsake of Terry's, and a remembrance of her time together with Jane.

Jane continues to decline in strength, but her mind is still sharp as a tack. And Funny! Here's an adorable photo from the party this afternoon of the two sisters enjoying a hug!

Anniversary Gift

2008-05-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Jane's and my 21st wedding anniversary is this Friday. A few weeks ago, she told me that I could buy a pair of motorcycle boots (my current ones are growing thin). So, I found a pair on ebaY that are really nice, and about half of what they would have cost in the store.

I received the boots today, and went into the bedroom asking Jane, "Do you want to see what you got me for our anniversary?" She said "No." Just to explain, when I'd ask her that kind of question in the past (Do you want to see what you got me for . . . Christmas, or my birthday, or any other day) it would usually be something like a new drum set. So Jane thought I might have purchased a new Ferrari or something.

I showed her my new boots, and she said, "Oh, they look just like mine." I only got to wear them 2 or 3 times, and they were too big for my little bike." I needed to get a bigger bike to fit my boots."

I laughed so hard! "You've learned from the best" I told her.

Are You Mad at Me?

2008-05-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Just before getting her into the living room to watch American Idol tonight, Jane asked me, "Are you mad at me?" It nearly broke my heart. "Why would I be mad at you, honey?" I asked. "I don't know, I just thought you were."

She had quite a bit of pain late this morning, and I think in the process of getting it under control, she may have had some interesting dreams. Jane is so weak now that she is unable to stand up, remain standing, or walk without my assistance.

We never were very good dance partners, but that's all changed in the past few weeks. I now actually lead, and she actually follows! We watched American Idol tonight, and she remained alert through the entire show. At the end she asked, "Who's going to win?" "Cook, I hope" was my reply, but her sister Terry said, "Probably Archuleta." We'll find out tomorrow night.

Jane and I "danced" our way back to her chair for the night, and got her settled-in. She doesn't talk very much now; only when it's necessary, or important to her, in order to conserve her energy. It's difficult to really imagine how much strength it takes just to smile, say a few words, and especially to stand and walk 15 feet.

I grow choked up inside when I look at and touch this once energetic, full of life woman. I truly love taking care of her, and feel privileged to have this time with her, no matter how difficult.

We gave thanks for another day, read Psalm 23, and said "good night."

On my way out the door, Jane whispered, "I Love You."

"I love you too." and kissed her forehead.

Blast From the Past

2008-05-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Starting today, I will be posting a series of ten short essays that Jane wrote when she was about 12 years old. The will be posted on Jane's blog, so you will only find them there.

The title of the series of essays is, "Me, Myself, and I." These stories were written by her at a very formative time in her life; they are humorous, touching, and eerily close to the way things have turned out in her life. I believe that after reading them, you will come to know Jane in a more intimate way, and feel as if you've known her all your life.

The last few days we've noticed a slow, but steady decline in Jane's strength and wakefulness. I was able to visit with her for about 15 minutes today, but aside from that she is sleeping most of the time.

I don't drink soda pop much anymore (you're wondering what that has to do with anything?) but instead I drink Seltzer water. I like the fizzy bubbles, but not the sweet soda taste. It's great on a hot day with lots of ice. Lately, Jane has been craving sips of my seltzer to help her burp a little, and because it feels good on her throat.

Just now, I plopped some ice cubes in my Kerr Wide-Mouth Mason jar, and filled it with seltzer. Jane's call bell rang, and I went to see what was up. She asked me for a sip of my seltzer. "I can't sneak anything around you, can I?" We all laughed.

Beautiful Feet

2008-05-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who tells of peace and brings good news of happiness, who tells of saving power, and says to Zion, "Your God rules!" Is. 52:7 (New Life Version).

Some people I know are just not "feet people" but I am. One of the things I love most about Jane's earthly body are her beautiful feet. I have had the privilege and joy of rubbing lotion on her feet for many years now, and am able to do so on a more regular basis these past few weeks.

I captured a photo of her feet while she rested this evening, and decided to share how lovely they are with the rest of you.

These feet have served her well; walked her to her first day of kindergarten, ran through her first mud puddle, waded in the ocean, walked down the aisle with me, danced with me, cuddled with me, tickled her children with them, and shifted gears on her favorite motorcycle.

It's amazing how easily we take our feet for granted; I just wanted to appreciate hers tonight. Thank you for letting me share.

Family Huddle

2008-05-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well, OK. The photo tonight is not of a huddle, but a rugby scrum. I love watching rugby; got really hooked on it while traveling to Ireland. The Scottish team was in Dublin for one of the 7 nations match-ups with the Irish team. We were in this pub and . . . oh, never mind.

The hospice social worker came to our home today and met with me, the kids, and my sister-in-law Terry. We talked for about an hour and a half, and it was a really special time. I am SO PROUD of my kids! They are demonstrating a level of maturity that I don't think I was capable of when I was their ages.

The social worker said that we were a very healthy family, and that it looked like we are going to make it through this ok. I am sure we will, but there will be times . . .

It is really wonderful to have Jane's sister here to help share in the process, and to be with her baby sister through her last few weeks. It means so much to Jane and to me too!

Jane had a pretty good day today, no substantial sickness, and made it through the heat spell with little to no problems. We kept her well-cooled with washcloths and ice chips.

Time in a Bottle

2008-05-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

From the words of the late Jim Croce:

If I could save time in a bottle,
The first thing that I'd like to do,

It was a beautiful day today here in Corvallis; hitting almost 90 degrees. Jane slept much of the day, and I took a much-needed motorcycle ride through the countryside to Independence, OR.

This was a tough ride for me, since I'm used to looking in my rear-view mirror, and seeing Janey there, on her white Honda Rebel. It's not the first time that I've thought about what it is going to be like to not have her "back there" anymore.

Is to save every day,
Till eternity passes away,
Just to spend them with you.

When I arrived home, she asked, "Are you back already?" I wish I could have gone for a ride with you." Me too, honey.

If I could make days last forever,
If words could make wishes come true,

So we sat together in the back yard this afternoon in the shade, dozed a little, enjoyed the gentle breeze, and the birds arguing with the blue jays.

I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you.

Every day is a treasure; I am so grateful to spend them with you, my love.

Just When You Think It's Safe

2008-05-14T07:38:00.001-07:00

Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water, is the time when the shark is gonna get you. Yesterday was a rough day for Jane. She got sick in the morning, and it appears things may be changing again.

We called the Hospice nurse to come over and assess Jane's condition, and to talk with her about pain control / management. We decided to take it up another notch, so to speak, and within a couple of hours, her pain was back under control.

She slept well last night, and is up this morning listening to her favorite morning birds singing outside. Jane wishes to thank everyone again for all your prayers, which sustain her (and the rest of us) through the gray days, and dark nights.

Oh, and we watched "American Idol" last night; Jane still thinks Sanjaya should have made it to the final round. I had to remind her that was last year's show (just kidding!).

She is a David Cook fan all the way!

The Honeymoon

2008-05-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

That's what the Hospice nurses sometimes call it. The period of time during the dying process when the person is looking, and feeling relatively good.

Yesterday, Jane asked Terry and me how we thought she was doing. "Do you think I'm getting worse?" she asked. It seems to us that she has landed on a plateau; neither better nor worse for the past several days. She has been drowsy; gradually growing weaker, but no dramatic changes.

So when the Hospice nurse arrived yesterday morning, we were anxious to ask her about where she thought Jane is right now. Apparently many people go through this "honeymoon" time in their end of life process; many of you may remember how blissful you were on your honeymoon, only to arrive home to the reality of marriage, and realize that now you are going to have to roll up the sleeves, dig in, and work at this relationship.

Sunday (Mother's Day) and Monday, Jane slept more than she was awake. I get her up from her chair, or from bed at least twice per day (ambulate TID) walk a few paces, or go sit outside when it's nice (like yesterday). But that's about all it takes to wear her out.

So for right now, we're going to enjoy the "honeymoon" and pray (just as most of us did on our real honeymoons) that it never ends.

I Sleepe Not Day Nor Night

2008-05-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

No dear friends, the title of this blog entry is not misspelled. It is a subtitle to a work written by John Donne in 1624. Jane and I became interested in the works of Donne after watching the movie "Wit" starring Emma Thompson.

For those of you who have seen this movie, you'll understand immediately. For those who have not, let me just say that it is a very moving story about a renowned professor who is forced to reassess her life when she is diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer.

I was reading this morning, and would like to share a portion of one of Donne's works with you:

Hee that hath seene his friend die to day, or knowes hee shall see it to morrow, yet will sinke into a sleepe betweene. I cannot; and oh, if I be entring now into Eternitie, where there shall bee no more distinction of houres, why is it al my businesse now to tell Clocks? why is none of the heavinesse of my heart, dispensed into mine Eye-lids, that they might fall as my heart doth? And why, since I have lost my delight in all objects, cannot I discontinue the facultie of seeing them, by closing mine eyes in sleepe? But why rather being entring into that presence, where I shall wake continually and never sleepe more, doe I not interpret MY continuall waking here, to bee a parasceve, and a preparation to that?

Jane and Terry and I were talking just this morning; it seems as if time has slowed down again; it labors, crawls.

This is not necessarily a bad thing; more a feeling or perception than anything. We so desire to have more time with Jane, and it is in the quiet, slow moments now that we share our time together.

Calling All Photos

2008-05-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

Some of you have begun to send photos of Jane that you have taken at various events, places, etc., that you've been with her. I am compiling a digital scrap book of these memories, so if you have any of Jane, please send them to me.

My email address is: doug.easton@comcast.net

Here's another example of a photo that was sent to me recently; Jane pitching a softball game a few summers ago.

Our visit with Jane's niece and nephew was very nice this weekend. They were able to spend a few quality moments with her, and today we all drove to the cemetery with Jane to take a look see.

We also got her dad connected over the internet with Skype, which is an online video conferencing application. He was so excited to be able to see Jane and talk with her at the same time. Sometimes technology is a real miracle.

We are very happy that we will be able to spend one more Mother's Day with Jane. It has always been a special day for me and the kids, and this year will be even more so. If you have a mother who is still living, take a few moments tomorrow to show her how much you love her!

Ahoy! From the (Backyard) Ocean

2008-05-09T21:16:00.001-07:00

Hi friends. Jane wanted me to tell everyone how honored and humbled she is to have so many people expressing their love to her.

She slept much of the day, and at 4:00pm, decided it was time to "go to the beach" and soak her feet in the ocean.

Jane's dear friend, and motorcycle buddy (the one who organized the Woodstock's Pizza fund-raiser) came over and presented Jane with the gift from the fund-raiser.

We were astonished, to say the least! Both Jane and I are overcome by the generosity of those who care for us. We cannot begin to thank everyone individually, so please accept our THANK YOU to each and everyone who have given their money, time, labor, friendship, prayers, and love to our family!

Jane's niece and nephew flew in from California today, and I was able to ride my motorcycle out to I-5 and Hwy 34 intersection to meet them and give them an escort to our home. The weather was beautiful today! Tomorrow will be a time of family gathering, talking about the memorial service here, and in San Jose, and just relaxing in the home.

Jane's sister (one who is still in San Jose right now) sent us some papers from Jane's childhood; a report card from 5th grade, some theme papers, etc. One such theme titled, "Me, Myself, and I" will be shared piece by piece over the next few days in her blog, so read there for a glimpse at Jane's life when she was 12 years old.

I took this photo of Jane in the backyard today, soaking her feet in the "ocean" and asked her if it was ok to share it on the blog. She said, "I don't look very sick, do I?"

"Other than weighing only about 105 lbs. now, I guess not, Janey."

The Ocean Came to Corvallis

2008-05-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

The ocean came to Corvallis today, instead of Jane going to the ocean. We wanted to get to the beach one more time so that Jane could stick her feet in the water, but it's not to be. So hospice came through for us again; a volunteer (Anna) drove all the way to the coast, gathered sand from the beach, several jugs of sea water, and brought it all back to our home.

Jane was sleepy and too tired to partake of the treat this afternoon, so we'll have a foot-soaking tomorrow sometime.

I want to be close to her all the time, but she mostly prefers to be alone. It's like the pamphlet "Gone From My Sight" that was given to me by hospice says. She has one foot in this world and one in the next. She's preparing herself to turn completely away from us, and face our Heavenly Father.

This is perhaps the most difficult part of all. It's like a daughter that is leaving home to get married. She must reject the old family in order to embrace the new. It does not mean that she has any less love for us, but rather she is forming a new Relationship, and her old life is changing.

" Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Cor 5:17

PS: My sister Pam went to Michael's Landing in Corvallis yesterday morning and brought back some nice, white sand from that beach, along with the water. Pam is an extraordinary woman!

Humor in the Midst of Sorrow

2008-05-08T11:36:00.001-07:00

This morning, Jane's sister walked with her to the bathroom. After returning to her bed, Jane started to crawl in on her hands and knees, when her wrist sort of gave way, and she slowly crumpled, collapsed and rolled over on her side.

She looked at Terry and said, "I got a flat tire." They both laughed until they cried. Jane has such a great sense of humor, and is able to see funny things in the midst of her situation.

A Close Moment

2008-05-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends. Jane and I had a very close moment together today, that we want to share with all of you. Jane has grown more sleepy over the past couple of days. The vomiting has greatly diminished, along with her decreased consumption of liquids. Hospice told us that as time goes on over the next days or weeks, Jane will continue to grow weaker, sleep more, and become more disconnected with this world as she prepares herself for the next.

I don't remember now how the conversation began, but I looked at Jane and said, "You're leaving us, aren't you?"

She nodded her head yes, and tears began to well up in her eyes. I looked into her precious eyes and let her know that it was ok.

"I won't be far behind you; it will seem like just a wink of an eye to you," I said. Then you and I can really be the friends we always wanted to be with each other; no strings attached, no expectations, no demands, just a pure and holy friendship." We both wept for joy at the anticipation of that "day".

Her sister Terry asked me to pass along to everyone how incredibly thankful she is for all the love you have poured out upon Jane. She marvels each day as cards continue to arrive at our home, telling little stories about how Jane has touched their lives.

Jane is settled in again for the night, after watching a not-so-surprising "American Idol" show. Thank you again, each and every one of you for your prayers.

One Clean Refrigerator

2008-05-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

Well, hope you don't mind a little dark humor; but does anyone out there know what the mold spore Cladosporium elatum looks like? Come visit our refrigerator!

Today, Jane's sister Terry and my sister Pam took EVERYTHING out of the frig and cleaned it thoroughly.

After discarding the gross, moldy, smelly, unidentifiable items, the refrigerator looked like this:

Other than ridding the home of some interesting smells, the day was rather uneventful, as Jane had a pretty good day. She is becoming more sleepy, and much weaker; which I am told are some of the early signs of decline.

We took some time to read all of the note cards that everyone filled out at Woodstock's, and our hearts were warmed by the loving words each of you wrote.

Some were written by younger kids; one which stands out said, "Dear Jane, I am sorry you are so sick. But when you die, you get to meet the Lord! He will be happy to see you." Indeed, He will.

On the reverse side of the note was this image:

God sure DOES look happy to see her, huh?

Fabulous Fund-Raiser

2008-05-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today, there was an incredible outpouring of support for Jane and my family. But first, let's back up and retrace the steps leading up to lunch today . . .

Last night we were watching a movie, and about 9:00pm Jane said, "I'm tired" and I helped her settle in for the night. During those moments, she complained of a pain just inferior to her right clavicle (below the collarbone, for non-A&P types). The pain steadily worsened until it was about a 7 on a scale from 1-10 (not a good place to be). So I called the Hospice nurse, and she advised me what to do. Jane wanted to know what might be going on, and the nurse said, "without looking inside, it's hard to tell." She was not being flippant at all, just reiterating that at this point there will be no more X-rays, no more CT scans, no more blood tests, etc.

Hearing that was a good reminder to both Jane and me that our objective is to manage the symptoms, and keep Jane as comfortable as possible. So after about 2 hours, we had her pain under control, and she was sleeping soundly. Starting last night I have begun to set my alarm for 12:00 midnight to wake up and administer her medication. Then, back to bed and reset the alarm for 4:00am for more medication. That worked very well last night. The next interval was at 8:00am, and we all slept close to that time.

The Hospice nurse and social worker visited today at 11:00am and we had a wonderful chat. Everyone is on the same page, and Jane is at peace with how everyone else is doing. She's a remarkable woman; for most of her anxiety has to do with how me and the kids, and how all of you, yes, how all of you are doing. She is so concerned about everyone else, and wants everyone to know that she's is ok, and at peace with things.

Jane was bummed out that she could not be at Woodstock's today. We were told that both at lunch, and at dinner, the line for ordering pizza was out the door!

My sister Pam (who knows EVERYONE in Corvallis and Albany) told us who was there, and we were overwhelmed with your love! I brought a basketfull of cards home at lunch, and I understand there are more cards from tonight. Jane and I were touched by each card that you wrote. Thank you everyone for demonstrating your love to our family.

We could not do this without each of you.

A New Body

2008-05-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

As terrifying as yesterday was, last night was a very good night for Jane. Slept almost through the whole night, with little to no pain.

Today, I helped Jane take a shower, and when I looked into her eyes, it hit me. "Soon God is going to give you your glorified body; I can only imagine how you will look." I hope that I recognize you." We both started to weep for joy, thinking of what that will be like.

As she sat there soaking in the warm, soft spray of water, making "yummy sounds" (you'd need to have watched "Young Frankenstein" to get that) she remarked that the first thing she is going to do is seek out The River, Whose Streams of Gold, Flow From the City of God.

What a simple, yet absolutely wonderful and necessary thing water is. Most of the rest of us take that for granted. I for one will never again.

Hitting the Wall

2008-05-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today I hit the wall. It's no big surprise I guess; but it caught me off guard. Jane had a fairly good night last night; up just one time, but for about an hour and a half. We all "slept in" this morning until 6:45am.

By 10:00am, Jane was really hurting. Lost a bunch of fluid, went back to sleep, woke up two hours later, lost a bunch of fluid again. By 4:30 this afternoon, she was in excruciating pain; so we called hospice and the nurse came out. Just moments before she arrived, Jane got rid of everything in her stomach (a huge amount) and immediately felt 100% better.

The nurse talked with us for awhile, and will come over tomorrow to speak to the family about the dying process. She also explained that even though the IV infusions seemed to make Jane feel a little better in the short term, in the longer term they were causing her more harm than good.

My son, daughter in law and granddaughter stopped by one more time before going back home to Michigan; my brother came from L.A. last night, and leaves early tomorrow morning. The whole immediate family went out for lunch, stopped by afterward, and everyone filed in to Jane's room, one by one to say goodbye; some just for the day, others for the rest of their lives.

After everyone had gone, I melted down. Went and laid down for a much needed nap. Jane is resting comfortably this evening, and hopefully will continue that way through the night. As always, we covet your prayers.

NOTE: Although the text is the same, I changed the pictures between my blog and Jane's. The photo in my blog expresses how I felt, but seemed a little too violent for hers.

One Step Forward . . . Three Steps Back

2008-05-02T23:09:00.001-07:00

Well friends, as good as last night was, today was just the opposite. It started out really well, and Jane asked to have another IV transfusion, so I started her at about 9:30am, and went out to have lunch with my kids and granddaughter. Got home about 11:00am.

Checked in on Jane and some dear friends, Tom and Terri had come over to pray with her. I left Jane with them, and the rest of us piled in the cars and drove to Oaklawn Cemetery, where my mom was buried about 15 years ago.

We've decided that Jane will be buried there. It was pretty tough on our son Matt; and kind of odd for the rest of us to be thinking about that while Jane is still here. But it's something that has to be done. It's really pretty there. We thought about cremation and scattering her ashes somewhere, but when it came down to it, we were faced with a dilemma about where we would "go" to visit her later, place flowers, remember her, etc.

So I called Oaklawn last week and found out that they give grave sites to Veterans (which I am) and so we thought that was pretty good. It's a nice place, in a quiet neighborhood, and well maintained. This whole thing is kind of strange.

When we got back, Jane asked me to discontinue the infusion, which I did. About an hour later, she was feeling poorly, and eventually got sick again. First time for us during daylight hours, so it's something new. She slept for a few hours afterward, and then by 6:30pm, she started to get sick again. Well, this is new. Twice in one day.

During the second session of being sick, Jane sat back in her chair and kind of looked away over my shoulder and said, "Ok." Then she looked at me and said, "I think it's going to be soon." I asked, "You mean soon now, or just soon?" She said, "Just soon."

She is resting well now. This evening after she had settled down, I got a basin of hot water, filled in with Epsom salts, and she soaked her feet while we watched "Across the Universe." Near the end of the movie she said, "I'm tired" so I took her to her chair in the bedroom, got her settled in, and said goodnight. I hope and pray that it is again this night.

Good Night!

2008-05-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

And I don't mean the street in South Corvallis . . .

nor do I mean the Brave Sir Lancelot . . .

Jane had a very good night last night. Slept from 10:00pm until about 1:30am. Woke up, applied some more (anti) nausea creme, back to sleep; woke again at 4:45am. No vomiting all night, and just a little nausea.

Jane feels like having another IV infusion today, so that's a good sign (no pun intended) too. I am thinking that keeping things quiet around here yesterday and everyone's prayers, helped a lot. Let's keep praying for a continued good day today. Thank you prayer warriors!

Please Don't Leave Me

2008-05-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hi friends. Jane had a rough night and morning today. We were up at 1:30am again, doing the (now) normal routine. We both went back to sleep about 2:00am, but Jane said she did not feel like she was completely emptied; a feeling that she actually looks forward to these days.

About 6:00am, her sister woke me and said, "Jane needs your help." I went in and found Jane sobbing and holding her stomach. I asked, "What's going on," and she showed me her pain patch; it had fallen off some time during the night, and we don't know how long she'd been without medicine.

I called hospice, reapplied the pain patch with more tape, and waited for them to arrive with the "emergency kit." While we were waiting, Jane started to cry and I asked her, "What's going on?" She said, "Please don't leave me." I fell apart. "I could never leave you." I said. I was then reminded of the words of Jesus, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

When the hospice nurse arrived a few minutes later, we were able to get her pain back under control, and she rested comfortably for several hours this afternoon.

We had a nice, quiet day today; the phone did not ring as much, and there was less traffic than the past few days. I feel badly because we even had to restrict a visit from Brent, Shelly, and Lily. Thankfully, they understand.

Jane is resting now, and we are asking you again tonight to partner with us in prayer for peace, and a full night's rest. One more thing: Jane has been having nightmares of sorts, and would also ask you to pray that God will fill her dreams with visions of peace, loveliness, and holy things.

Faith of a Child

2008-05-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

These days, I keep my blood pressure cuff and stethoscope on the bed next to Jane for taking her vitals signs several times a day. This evening, our granddaughter Lily came up and sat on the bed at Jane's feet, and put the stethoscope around her neck.

Then Lily looked at grandma and said, "grandma, can I . . . can I . . . can I . . . fix you?" Jane's eyes welled up with tears, as she marveled at the complete childlike faith of this little girl.

Shortly thereafter, I took Brent, Shelly and Lily back to the hotel again, and this time as I started to drive away, it hit me. Soon this week, we'll be saying goodbye to them as they return to Michigan, and Jane will be saying goodbye to them for good.

Just then, that invisible hand reached out and grabbed me by the throat again, trying to keep me from swallowing, squeezing the very water from my eyes. After a little while, the hand releases its grip, and I return to "normal."

So now, we're settled in for the night; hoping and praying that she gets a full night's sleep; resting in the assurance that if a child can have that kind of faith, maybe we can too.

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

2008-04-30T15:28:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon Jane had a blood draw to check her renal panel (kidney function). The doctor called back this morning, and said that he was pleasantly surprised that her blood work looked good, and that there is no sign of starvation yet.

The hospice nurses arrived almost at that same time, and had the same news for us. They accessed Jane's port and began the IV infusion, which has been going now for the past 5-1/2 hours. She will be finished with the infusion shortly, and we will flush her port, and leave it accessed until tomorrow, when she'll have another infusion. We'll do this for the next 6 days if all goes well.

Jane is feeling fairly good right now, so that will be a blessing for her sister when she arrives this afternoon; we also have a couple more family members coming later this week and next week. Brent, Shelly, Lily and me visited the hospital today where I work. The nursing staff (my dear friends and colleagues) have been so wonderful to us, and they were all excited to meet my family.

I dropped them back off at the hotel, and came home for a nap. It's about time for us to disconnect Jane's infusion pump for the day, so I'll post later as things go on.